Have you written anything that made you laugh out loud?

An 83-year-old woman asks her daughter for help making her LinkedIn profile.

What do you want to put for your occupation?

Trouble-maker.

I thought you wanted to have a real profile.

I do. Okay, make it rabble rouser. I like that better.

Nice.

I mean, I try to put a joke in every other paragraph, usually, so yeah, I often make myself laugh.

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Pearwink yanked her hands away from Eggbowl. "Your parade poster promised free candy. Where is it?"

Eggbowl looked down. "Oh right. About that. We have candy. Quite a bit of it. But we found out we couldn't ride on the back of a tortoise and hang on to candy at the same time. So my associate Hardcheese is um, storing it."

Hardcheese opened his lips to reveal two cheekfuls of saliva drenched candy. Still in their wrappers, at least.

"I don't care, I'm starving." Pearwink's hands started beckoning again, rapidly. "Gimme!"

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"I am Hardcheese. And my turtle is named Fastblood! And its the fastest turtle in all of Grimplace! At least we were told they were fast. They have nitrous boosters to make them go extra fast. Want to see?" Hardcheese poked at the nose of Fastblood. The turtle farted, making him walk slightly faster. Hardcheese looked at them and excitedly pointed. "See? See?"

having a character throw a roll of toilet paper at her sibling in annoyance...and it bounces off the wall and lands in the dog's water dish. It was the last roll.

I pulled this bit from a real life tidbit when all of a sudden, i heard a "sploosh" and "aw crap!" coming from our bathroom. My husband had fumbled with the TP as he was getting some to blow his nose...and he accidentally dropped it in the toilet. It wasn't our last roll, thank goodness...but the last roll part comes when one of us forgets to change the roll....and you know how the rest goes

Now, I am going to tell you the truth. I dont give a damn if you like it. The truth is, I am your better, and you had better listen to me or there will be hell to pay. I intend to bring you back alive, and in order to do that, I need your full and complete subordination. When I say jump, you jump. When I say shoot, you shoot. No questions. Any questions?
He waited, and when one of the soldiers raised her hand, Wolfe shot back, No. There are no questions. That was a trick question. This is not a vacation. This is not some sightseeing tour. This is war. If you cant handle that, leave now before I list you as AWOL.

My main characters are introducing themselves round-robin style, answering the questions: What is your name? Why did you join the army? and What is a fun fact about yourself?

My name is Kayman Omalley. I, too, was drafted. My fun fact, is that I dont have a fun fact.

I would think your fun fact is that your first name is Kayman, said Evans.

Harley stuck out a tongue which was returned in kind with a twitching eyebrow.

Keep it up and youll wake up with a pillow smothered into your face Jillian mumbled to herself as she walked past and into Mr. Danbouths office after the receptionist lead them in.

MOOOOOOOOM! Harley whined

Oh, for Christ sake. Grown ass adults behaving like children! No one is smothering ANYONE in their sleep!

Aside from old dusty books, Harley found nothing. Pages were flipped and books shaken upside down and aside from a few dead bugs and dust bunnies, nothing of noise making ability. By this point, the music had stopped and the attic once again fell silent. Well, except for a loud notification ring tone coming from a pocket in the messenger bag.

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! screeched the phone, as the sound of evil Daleks filtered through the messenger bag. In a terrified panic, Harleys breath and heartbeat froze before a high pitched pterodactyl shriek echoed through out the attic.

and i laugh at this only because this happened to me on my afternoon drive....i accidentally turned on an alarm i never use anymore...so, i had no idea it was going to go off while i was driving...and then all of a sudden i just hear LOUD ASS DALEKS SCREECHING FROM THE CUP HOLDER....though, i did NOT let out a high pitched dinosaur shriek...but i DID almost crap myself

so, i figure...why not put this into my novel!

I'm just going to insert a section I wrote the other day because I was honestly so proud of my bad joke. So my witch character heals this guys face and this is what follows.

Well thanks I appreciated it. He picked up my work book. So what was in that oily mixture? It smells herby
You wouldnt believe me if I told you. I wiped my hands off on a kitchen towel.
Oh what was it like Mugwort oil and vampire piss? He rolled his eyes. Seriously what was it?
It was Neosporin and Thyme essential oil.
Well I get the Neosporin but why Thyme?
What you dont know?
No I dont why would I? His face expressed confusion.
Because Thyme heals all wounds"